Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Christmas Freaking Mircale, Volume III

1. I get put in a cab.

2. Once I'm very close to Annie and Jess's house (not more than five blocks), I jump out of the cab because I realize that while I have a shopping bag with two bottles of wine, I don't have my purse or money.

3. I walk into Ray's Pizza and start crying cause I have no money for pizza.

4. I walk across the street and plop down in front of Outback and proceed to cry, wheep and start hyperventalating.

5. I attact concerned passers by who ask if someone hurt me...

6. I only stop when a woman says that she's going to call the cops to take me to a hospital.

7. I give everyone hugs and tell them to take the wine since I hated wine at that point.

8. Crazy drunk dude follows me since I forgot my wine and I tell him to keep it and stop following me.

9. Annie and Jess's apartment does not have their name by their apartment number or on their mailbox and I don't have a phone to call them so I just start hitting random buttons. Someone answers and scares me away.

10. Go outside and start waving at the neighbors with the big window that we meet the previous weekend.

11. Random dude comes out and says that no, Tim went out of town, so I start--he tells me later--weeping in his hallway.

12. I try to use Facebook on his computer for a very long time but I can't type.

13. The boys are leaving for a bar and say I have to come with them since I am stranded.
This stupid because:
a) I'm obviously in no condition to go to a bar
b) I'm weeping about a lost purse so of course I have no money or ID

14. After being swipped through on the subway, I am not allowed into the bar because I have no ID, shocker!

15. I start weeping again.

16. I decid my purse is at my office.

17. Random dude and I go to my office, it's like midnight and I convince the security guard who now always gives me a weird look that I left my purse at my desk to let me in.

18. My purse isn't there, but it must be at the bar that shall not be named.

19. They say it's not there. Bastards. It was.

20. Once we get back to Annie and Jess's I start yelling their names in a very "Say Anything" sort of way and it totally works.

21. Jess yells, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

22. I call the bar which shall not be named all damn day long.

23. I go back to the bar which shall not be named and the bartender discovers that holy cow the phone is off the hook, but makes no attempt to look for my purse.

24. I am defeated. I cancel credit cards. Bank accounts. I call my landlord to let me in. I am TERRIFIED of sleeping in my apartment. I get the locks changed. I look up cell phones on eBay.

25. Five days later I get an email from the manger of the bar which shall not be named saying they have my purse.

Should I have gone in there and gushed, "Thaaaaaaaaank You!!!"? Probably. But all that came out was a very bitchy, "What took you so long?!?!?!" "I didn't want to go through your purse."

GRRRR.

Christmas Freaking Miracle, Volume II

Maybe I've avoided this little diddy because this is where it all starts to get hazy. Judgement was out the window at this point.

WAIT A MINUTE!!! Seriously, not what you think, this was a night all in good fun, but remember I had planned on NOT getting drunk and I was pretty drunk as this point.

So we go to the after party at the bar that will not be named because I HATE, LOATHE and DEPISE it and all the people that work there. It is packed with my fellow co-worker, many of whom I had just become best friend with hours previously and most of which I have yet speak to again beyond, "Hi." (At the time, I thought, "I love these people. I am friends with EVERYONE!" But everyone goes back to pretending like no one else exists. Working world is soooo high school all over again, it's frightening.)

I'm chatting it up with my boss, and our now senior editor who found out she was promoted minutes before the Christmas party began and so I'm telling my boss, that I totally agree with his decision and was really happy to hear about it because she totally deserves it.

Luckily, he could not be convince to do a car bomb and left for home, because I was easily persuaded and while I do remember doing one, I was later told we did two...which makes some sense because everything else at that bar is as follows in no particular order:

-I realized that men, no matter their "status"--single, married, "meet my girlfriend"--are sleezy bastards, and that if provoked with alcohol they will hit on on young women with techniques ranging from very subtle gestures to the drink-tossing worthy crassness.

-A co-worker told me I was a "catch," when, I'm guessing, I was crying/whining about not having boyfriend.

-I got backed into a corner with my girlfriend by the "Skeezy Guys" I'd been hearing about forever

-I talked to someone about biking across the Brooklyn bridge when he was all up in my face and that is when...

I got yanked out the bar (leaving my purse on the floor), however I remember to get my bag with two bottles of wine I was bringing to Annie and Jess's Christmas/House Warming Party that I'll never make it to...

Procrastination Nation

Yeeeah, ok, so I've been avoiding writing about all the fascinating stuff that is happened to me in New York, because I never finished my three-part volume on the "Purse Incident," and I didn't want to interupt the blog, but now I am interuprting the blog because it's MINE and I can do that!!

WOOT! Living on the edge.

Sadly, I've missed out on sharing some delicious stories with the internet, like how I was totally this girl on Monday morning, minus the pigeon. And how today, I scored not one, but TWO, that's two, dos, due, deux (why does "two" in every other language start with "d"?) bottles of the 1999 Perrier-Jou√ęt Fleur de Champagne, which is a whopping $125 a bottle. [drop jaw] And even coooler, Annie got one too.

And, and I got to see Denny from "Grey's Anatomy." (McDreamy and Denny down, McSteamy and Burke, please grace me with your McHottness.)

And oh my gosh my stomach hurts so bad.


***


But the rest of the purse story is quite hilarious and I realized that I was totally lame for taking a month after Christmas to even get through the first Volume, Yikes.

So not only is my New Years Being On Time Resolution not working out but I still can't stop with the procrastination.

Well, at least I haven't changed...