Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Christmas Freaking Mircale, Volume III

1. I get put in a cab.

2. Once I'm very close to Annie and Jess's house (not more than five blocks), I jump out of the cab because I realize that while I have a shopping bag with two bottles of wine, I don't have my purse or money.

3. I walk into Ray's Pizza and start crying cause I have no money for pizza.

4. I walk across the street and plop down in front of Outback and proceed to cry, wheep and start hyperventalating.

5. I attact concerned passers by who ask if someone hurt me...

6. I only stop when a woman says that she's going to call the cops to take me to a hospital.

7. I give everyone hugs and tell them to take the wine since I hated wine at that point.

8. Crazy drunk dude follows me since I forgot my wine and I tell him to keep it and stop following me.

9. Annie and Jess's apartment does not have their name by their apartment number or on their mailbox and I don't have a phone to call them so I just start hitting random buttons. Someone answers and scares me away.

10. Go outside and start waving at the neighbors with the big window that we meet the previous weekend.

11. Random dude comes out and says that no, Tim went out of town, so I start--he tells me later--weeping in his hallway.

12. I try to use Facebook on his computer for a very long time but I can't type.

13. The boys are leaving for a bar and say I have to come with them since I am stranded.
This stupid because:
a) I'm obviously in no condition to go to a bar
b) I'm weeping about a lost purse so of course I have no money or ID

14. After being swipped through on the subway, I am not allowed into the bar because I have no ID, shocker!

15. I start weeping again.

16. I decid my purse is at my office.

17. Random dude and I go to my office, it's like midnight and I convince the security guard who now always gives me a weird look that I left my purse at my desk to let me in.

18. My purse isn't there, but it must be at the bar that shall not be named.

19. They say it's not there. Bastards. It was.

20. Once we get back to Annie and Jess's I start yelling their names in a very "Say Anything" sort of way and it totally works.

21. Jess yells, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

22. I call the bar which shall not be named all damn day long.

23. I go back to the bar which shall not be named and the bartender discovers that holy cow the phone is off the hook, but makes no attempt to look for my purse.

24. I am defeated. I cancel credit cards. Bank accounts. I call my landlord to let me in. I am TERRIFIED of sleeping in my apartment. I get the locks changed. I look up cell phones on eBay.

25. Five days later I get an email from the manger of the bar which shall not be named saying they have my purse.

Should I have gone in there and gushed, "Thaaaaaaaaank You!!!"? Probably. But all that came out was a very bitchy, "What took you so long?!?!?!" "I didn't want to go through your purse."



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