Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Next Stop, Uh? Or Where the Hell Am I?

I went to Brooklyn on Sunday and ended up on a train to, er, Long Island? The end of New York City? I'm honestly not sure where the heck I was once I realized that I was traveling in the opposite direction of the East River. This little side trip cost me 45 minutes of my life. But I was ok with it because I wasn't late for something like usual; I didn't even have anywhere to be!

But my excursion got me thinking about the unpleasant—and funny if it's not happening to you—things that happen to people in New York City. And the longer you're stay, the more you'll get to check off your list. Lucky you.

1. Getting on a train going in the wrong direction. (Usually this happens to tourists. Manhattanites when they venture off the island to the realm of street names—CHECK.)

2. Missing your train stop. (Usually, people who fall asleep, like my Italian friends who wound up in the Bronx in the middle of the night. That's right, Italians wearing tighter pants in the Bronx at 4 am. Dum-dums who aren't paying attention—CHECK. And, of course, people who get stuck in the train because other people, jerkfaces, with complete disregard for others sardine (Yup, I'm using that as a verb.) into train.)

3. Getting splashed by a bus, think "Home Alone in New York." (This happens to the people who aren't paying attention and don't jump behind their friends, or sisters. My sister got splashed when she was visiting me. When I told my friend about this, he said, "Don't you just wish you could go back in time and pull her out of the way?" "Um, no. It was pretty damn funny." Sorry Sissy.)

4. Unwanted contact with birds. (A pigeon poops on you—CHECK. A bird flies into your chin, but that only happens to Annie. Pigeons eat your puke.)

5. Stepping in a black ice puddle, without boots. (This happens to everyone, snow, gah. Anyway, to keep with form—CHECK.)

6. Getting or nearly getting hit by a cab, a car, a truck, an SUV, a bike. (This doesn't happen to tourists much because they obey WalkingWhiteMan and RedHand, however, for those of us that live here, as my mom likes to say, "It's a jungle out there." CHECK.)

7. Seeing other humans, not dogs, pee. (Anyone and especially people who run along the East River or walk around Gramercy Park apparently.)


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